Then Came the Morning…

November 6, 2009 at 5:18 pm (family, grace, kids, spirituality)

I tried to sleep wondering when I would find a job, how would I support my family

Then came the morning…

My wife said she wanted a different life without me

I stirred all night considering the possibilities

Then came the morning…

I signed the papers forever putting us at odds with each other

I cried in jilted slumber

Then came the morning…

My children would hear the news that would forever impact their lives

I found sleep elusive and frustrating

Then came the morning…

I wandered through my existence looking for any justifiable means to continue

Nighttime presented a period when I needed to face the many demons that had taken up residence in my mind.  They never relinquished control and tormented an already confused thinking process.  I understand why children so fear the night and all the imaginary monsters, I’ve seen them and spent time wrestling them.  Those monsters don’t surrender to hope.  I hated when it began to get late in the evening for it meant the battle was brewing.  Peaceful sleep would never find me. 

Oh, how I hated the thought of a rising sun.

I dreaded the thought of going to church the next day

Then came the morning…

I would meet a woman who would teach me to love and trust again

I allowed my mind to stir with dreams of tomorrow

Then came the morning…

She said yes! She wanted to be my wife

I held her close and smiled as we slept

Then came the morning…

The news of our daughter was a wonderful surprise

I rest knowing my life is complete and full

Then comes the morning…

I give thanks for a delightful family, full of love, forgiveness, and acceptance.

Looking back at the hand of heaven providing strength in weakness, today I see that same hand bringing comfort and clarity to everyday life.

Bring on the morning.

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Never Trust a Smile…

October 26, 2009 at 2:52 am (Love, grace)

I’m very sad today.  Extremely sad.

This day I learned about the suicide of an old college friend.  Death makes others weary.  Especially death caused with one’s own hands.  This news stirs parts of me I prefer left dormant.

I think of my old friend…what a charming, handsome, gifted individual he was.  People saw in him grace manifested and kindness extended.  He had few enemies, if any; I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t like him.

Surrounded by friends and admirers, the often subject of the passing crowd.  He seemed to have it all. 

The pain must have been immeasurable to endure.  The loss of hope, the place where vibrant dreams go to die a slow death.  My friend lived with great sadness.

His death keeps me mindful of the people I encounter.  The man who smiles as we pass and marches begrudgingly to his own private hell.  Alone the misery slowly removes him from life.  Piece by piece.  The smile must be so hard; to fight the need to cry out, instead mustering a make believe sign of happiness pretending all is well.

The eyes never lie.  The soul opens up and projects it’s reality through this looking glass.  To really know someone, look in the eyes…there the hurts shout out, there joy proclaims.  Never trust a smile.

I hope you have found peace, true peace…and now rest easy my friend, it’s ok to smile.

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Wisdom of Nothing…

October 21, 2009 at 1:51 pm (Zen, nature)

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There he sits, content with this moment, unaware that the weatherman is calling for more rain, he just sits there.  His focus is completely centered on the buzzing object that circles his furry head.  He cares little for my missed golf outing…when you get right down to it, he doesn’t care about much that seems to bother me.  This dog lives a life to envy.

Damn dog.

While I struggle with the next sale or who needs a ride where, he just stares off into the horizon seeing eternity through eyes that I seem to miss.  He is only interrupted when the bee comes back to torment him and feels the need to follow its circuitous flight.  What are you looking at I wonder, what are you thinking about?  He could never explain it to me.  I lack the reality to live in this moment in the same fashion.

Vanishing life

I’ve lost the wonder to stare off into the possible.  Sitting still and watching the leaves dance in the wind is beyond my attention level.   I’m too busy to slow down and watch the bee fly around and around and around, or too proud.  I long to listen as the creek trickles down the rounded rocks and drift away.  My mind is too congested with needs to be alone with my thoughts these days.   He misses none of it.

Slow down and live says the wise one.

I’m so busy yet so alone.

Change…

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View From Down Below…

August 3, 2009 at 12:20 am (faith, nature, spirituality)

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As the afternoon began to turn into evening, my dogs called my name wanting to share a walk together.  The sun was partially hidden behind the trees and the feeling of fall took over the summer day.  This was the kind of moment that needed to be spent in the outdoors doing something , anything , even if it wasn’t important.  Allowing the tranquility of this moment to pass with participation would be just short of criminal.

I took my beasties suggestion and walked them down to the golf course  for that was just a short hike down the hill.  The dogs needed a release of their pent up energy and immediately began to give each other chase.  Their energy was pouring out of them as they played joyfully on the fresh cut grass.  Tumble, chase, tug, chase, followed by more running.  Those dogs were being everything dogs are meant to be.  Dogs.  I think often about dogs, what a great life these animals have.  Imagine spending your days in full contemplation and still getting fed.  Every dreamer wishes for moments like these to share.

I sat down to watch the playful display and drink fully the moment.  Hitting golf balls now seemed such a low priority.  Allowing myself to be present in this moment  was the highest good I could provide myself.  Taking care of ourselves oftentimes just involves releasing our need for busy for moments of quiet.  This was one of those moments.

The dogs began to tire and the activity slowed eventually finding the dogs laying on the fairway panting heavily.  There we were three creatures finding solace in the cool breeze in that late afternoon.  I looked back towards the top of the hill and there he stood.  Majestic and proud.  Regal and aloof.  He encompassed all these.  The dogs were unaware of  the new eyes that now watched them.  They were spectacular.

Church is meaningful as it allows us time to reflect on the divine and share moments of authenticity with like minded people.  There is great value in the process and time spent focusing on creating a better way to live based on love.  This was very much like church.  God looked at me through the eyes of this deer and I heard eternity yell my name. 

The buck soon was spooked and ran off leaving me to relish having more time watching this wonderful creature.  My hairy friends decided the time for stillness was over.  It was time to get up and move on to another adventure.  I agreed.

Life down here isn’t too bad.

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Me the feminist…

June 19, 2009 at 7:13 pm (Uncategorized)

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I hope my girls never settle.  I hope they never accept another’s viewpoint as their own.  I hope they take their lives to the extreme edge of life and fulfill all desires imaginable.

I’m a feminist! There it’s out there and I won’t back down from that statement.  I won’t modify nor debate limiting the definition of same.  I feel women are every bit as capable as men to do just about anything.  If we are truthful we men probably would say women are better in most areas.

My feminist outlook has been evolving for a period of time.  Something about being the father to five girls changes a man’s worldview by softening entrenched ideals.  All the images of manhood and life are slowly melted away when I think of my girls being denied every possible chance in life imaginable. 

I’ve taught my girls from the time they were old enough to understand, possibly long before that time as well.  They were challenged and encouraged to seek the highest level of life that their dreams would allow.  That there is no summit too high that can’t be reached nor any obstacle too powerful to overcome, dreams are to be lived out loud. 

The greatest dream crusher for the female species has been the church.  Men have used this holy writ to maintain power and control everyone else.  I feel sad when I stand to teach a bible story to children and weekly find the hero to be a man.  Who is the role model for our ladies of tomorrow?  Who is their hero? 

Sure the early church fathers threw a bone to the ladies by including the likes of Phoebe and Ruth.  It seems simply unimaginable that there were so few women of influence leading the charge during this very instrumental period of humanity.  I refuse to see modern life through the same misogynist eyeglasses used in days of old.

God doesn’t create two types of people, one to dominate and the other to be sub-servant.  I don’t see it that way.  I see God calling all his creation good and men and women equal.  That what is being a feminist means to me.  Seeing women as every bit equal to men.  In many ways, women would make better pastors than men.  Compassion goes much further than punishment.

Girls…seek out the most for you lives.  Stay away from people who try to keep you down.  You need no one else to either make you happy or to fulfill you.  The world prepares a banquet before you to enjoy.  Grab a plate and load up.  Don’t wait for any man to tell you when it’s your turn. 

There are mountains to climb girls…go get busy!

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My Dream Team…

May 27, 2009 at 12:53 pm (family, kids)

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Blessings come in many forms, and my family is surely blessed.  As the school season unwinds for this year, we’ve had a great run.  Our five girls at various ages each have found their own path and doing an amazing job in the process.  Forgive me if I feel the need to brag a wee bit.

Brittany just finished her second year at FSU and what a year for her it’s been for this young lady.  She completed this semester with straight A’s.  She also was recognized for her writings and has been asked to contribute to an educational website directed at aiding incoming college students as they transition into the college experience out of high school.  Britt was just awarded a summer internship with a movie production company. 

Raleigh graduates from high school and has exciting plans for college.  She enjoyed a great senior year participating in cheerleading, yearbook, student government, and drama.  After getting accepted into college and receiving some scholarships the next stop is out west.  Off to Baylor University in Waco, Texas where many exciting life experience await.

Ashton also graduates from high school this year.  She participated in many activities and provided leadership to many as well.  FCA, Cheerleading, and Student Government were among the many organizations she contributed.  Ashton is heading to Texas for college where Baylor University has offered her many scholarships and will soon welcome her. 

Alainey enters the ninth grade after a scorching year of success.  Eighth grade just couldn’t contain all this child had to offer.  She completed the year with straight A’s.  She represented the county at a technology conference sponsored by Apple computers.  Her presentation drew compliments from technology leaders.  Alainey also won awards for her projects in poetry, video production, and writing. 

Michayla enters the third grade after a year of outstanding achievement.  She was recognized for her writing skills and volume of books read.  Excellent grades further memorialized this great year for her.  Her gymnastics ability also took the opportunity to shine.  She placed 5th on the beam and 7th on the floor in the state competition.  This strong performance gives  Michayla an opportunity to compete in the national competition next month.

Well done girls!  We are so very proud of each of you and your many accomplishments.

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Leap of Faith…

April 6, 2009 at 5:59 pm (Uncategorized)

Yesterday was a remarkable day, a day I honestly thought I’d never witness.  After 15 years, since I walked away from full- time ministry, I accepted a call to minister once again.  My faith has certainly evolved much as has my maturity and expectations.  I believe I’m content being me and don’t need success to feel my worth as in the past.  I also feel I understand people much better than in my youth.  I carry no illusions of grandeur about neither leadership nor parishioner, realizing they are but frail creatures of dust struggling to get by each day, just like I am.

My exodus from the church was both self imposed and church enforced.  I am confident my choice to walk away from ministry was both a spiritual and emotional consideration, which was needed by me and those in my world. 

God is very good!  God is fully aware of my strengths and my obvious weaknesses.  My comfort lies within the certain knowledge of God’s care and provision.  Gifts provided me even in times of my greatest distancing came with the directive to reminding me of an even greater purpose.

Now is the time for me to dance again.  To feel the rhythm of life beat within my softened heart.  It’s not enough to just feel that life beat but to sway to it’s moving.  My goal is live life on purpose, to live with meaning and value.  I want my life dance to reflect the depth of love I feel in my heart. 

So here we go…pray for me as I step back into the great unknown.  One filled with heartbreak, uncertainty, and frustration.  I can’t wait.

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Coming Out!!!!

March 10, 2009 at 5:36 pm (Love, church, grace)

I came across this article from the blog called “A Fettered Heart.”  The writer is named Ryan and speaks with great passion.  I share his stance on this topic and wish people would acknowledge we are all one in the eyes of our God.  I think having a willingness to converse on the topic is a good stating place.  Let’s see where this goes.

He writes…

I am mad! I am pissed off. I am hurt. I am a straight, white Christian male setting foot in the Louisville Gay Community with hopes of organizing support and attention to the unjust isolation of equal rights in America.  What do I have to be upset, angry, or hurt about? The Gay Community does not directly effect me in any way.

If the Gay Community is not guaranteed the right to marriage it does not make my marriage any less sacred.

If the Gay Community is not guarenteed the right to adopt or act as foster parents it does not inhibit me from adopting or fostering if I should so chose.

If the Gay Community is not allowed to answer the call to minister to this hurting, dying world it does not make my ordination any less valid.

I am angry that these are a few of the questions I and many others have asked ourselves.  The Gay Community is so small their rights do not matter.  I am angry that these questions are not only being asked, but they are being used to justify the systemic oppression of a people.

I am angry that Jesus, God, and moral values are being used to justify the injustice being perpetrated upon citizens of this nation.

Gone is the separation of Church and State when it suits us.  Gone are the manifold witness to a Gospel that proclaims a place for all as we all fall short of the glory of God.

Gone is the voice of champions of equality demanding that injustice be turned away from the swift application of justice.

I am angry that silence has paralyzed justice.  I am angry that religion, Jesus, and God are being used to silence the full inclusion of all citizen of the United States of America.  I am nation that guarantees that all of us are created equal, born with certain inalienable rights.

Those inaliable rights were once denied to folks due to the color of their skin.  Those rights were once denied to women because they were not men.  Those rights are being denied to a people because of who they love, who they share a life with.

I am angry because the silence is perpetrated in the shadows of religion.  A perverse application of Gods grace is used to deem a people unworthy of full inclusion into the fearfully and wonderfully made part of creation.

I am tired.  I am angry.  I am coming out!

In the recent film “Milk” Harvey speaks to a gathered crowd of the Gay Community.  He tells them in order to defeat Prop 6 they must “come out.”  They must share their store with their friends, families, employers, everyone!  Everyone must know their story.   They must humanize the struggle against injustice.

In my anger, in my exhaustion I speak to the straight allies out there.  You must come out.  You got to share your story with your family, friends, EVERYONE!

Our silence is killing people.  Our silence is making it OK to isolate, interrogate, and victimize the Gay Community.  Every time you say, “I am not sure about this.  I just need more time.”  You are denying justice to a human being and endangering their very life as you dangle the carrot of justice before their eyes.

We are responsible for the harsh treatment of the Gay Community.  We may not be the ones harassing the Gay Community directly.  We may not be the ones actively fighting to exclude equal rights to all.  We may be quietly sitting in support of equal rights for the Gay Community.  My silence hurts, our silence kills.  Our silence is hurting people.  We got to come out!

Sisters and brothers in your faith communities speak up, in your classrooms speak out, in your homes share.  The Gay Community is unjustly being denied basic human rights in our silence.  Let us join together in a loud voice to demand that just be restored in this wind of hope, this sweeping march towards change.  Let us be a part of history that we can be proud of.  Let us come out and speak up in support of our sisters and brothers of the Gay Community.

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18 years Ago Today…

March 3, 2009 at 2:06 pm (Love, family, kids)

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Eighteen years ago today the greatest interruption I’ve ever experienced took place.  I found myself teaching an uplifting Sunday School lesson to an eager group of high schoolers when there was the knock on the door.  “Come quick” was the charge, “your babies are on the way.”  Immediately I dropped everything, leaving the kids to divine care and was off on my way to become a daddy.  I had dreamed of this day for a very long time.

Smiles abounded as I proudly showed off my lovely offspring.  They were wonderful in every sense of the word.  Then came night time.  Getting a newborn baby to sleep is a challenge even under the best of circumstances, hoping for two to sleep is asking for a parting of the sea.  Even with a hefty supply of pacifiers there never seemed to be one when needed.  Many a night did I find myself stealthily crawling under the cribs in search of the elusive pacifier.  Armed with the knowledge that if I didn’t return with the holy grail an outpouring of frustration would soon follow. 

We made it through those early years.  Years of wonder and amazement.  Little Raleigh and Ashton grew lovelier each passing day, each seeking to find their own steps in life.  I remember accidents where Ashton fell off the Jungle Gym and came crying with a waffled tongue.  A sight most parents should avoid.  She healed and soon found herself climbing back aboard without any reservation.  One day Raleigh woke up and had little purple spots on her arm.  After a quick call to the pediatrician, we found ourselves in the same hospital where her life had recently begun.  She was bleeding internally and needed this medicine to stop the flow.  Scary times, but faith sustained us and our little Raleigh came home just like new.  Ashton too, had her visits to the emergency room, childhood asthma periodically roared its ugly head.  Soon she too would hit her stride and leave the maladies behind.

Coming home from work after a long day, I was greeted by two smiling faces at the door.  After parking my truck, the door would burst open and those energetic monsters would rush me in pursuit of a full contact wrestling match.  Laughter, giggles, screams of happiness sounded the time of togetherness.

But theses sounds of joy would soon be replaced with cries of sadness.  The life they knew and loved would be torn from them.  Upheaval of stability would become the norm.  The safety and comfort of family would be no more.  Mommy and Daddy were getting a divorce.  Instead of one big happy family, now these two angels had two unhappy houses to shuttle between. 

Raleigh and Ashton, I reflect on the pain your mom and I caused you.  On the way we put our needs so far out ahead of yours.  I’m sorry we couldn’t be the mommy and daddy you both deserved.  I’m sorry for the sadness that filled your eyes when previously they were so bright and cheerful.  We can never give you back what you missed out on, we can never make those nights alone crying yourself to sleep disappear, and we can never give you back your innocent childhood. 

Finding ones place in life is beyond challenging.  It is a lifelong pursuit.  It encompasses the purpose of our existence, to find the authentic us.  Most people never seek out this aim, instead live lives of frustration and anger.  I had to find my center.  I had to grow up.

This meant moving away and our time together decreased but never faded in depth of value.  We found ways to make travel fun and meaningful.  It was a part of who we were, we where travelers, this is what conjoined us.

Ashton and Raleigh, you grew both in beauty and kindness.  Each of your hearts matured into vessels worthy of honor.  You adapted to your ever changing environment with grace and never melted under the strain.  You were both becoming wonderful young ladies.  I was so proud to be seen with you and have the privilege of sharing you with my friends.

More changes were in store for each of you.  The lingering hope most children carry of one day their divorced parents reconnecting was shattered years later when I informed you of my pending marriage.  It was a difficult time for you both.  Not only were you getting another person in your world, a stepmom, but you also were getting two new sisters as well.  Change is a difficult pill to swallow.  Again you adapted and blossomed.  Your inner strength and resolve has been amazing.

By now each of you were a seasoned airline traveler.  Remember the Polly Pockets?  Each time as you left I gave you both a new one for the trip home.  You must have had quite a collection at one point.  For me, I started to notice your independence when you needed less comforting as you boarded the plane.  You were growing up.  I was both happy and sad at the same time with this prospect.

I have immense gratitude for the invention of the cell phone and computer.  It became our lifeblood.  It maintained our flow of communication and allowed our priorities to remain high.

Soon you both would be in high school and all that comes with it.  Friends, homework, clubs, cheerleading, and of course…boys!  The awareness that boys would come into play was constantly downplayed but reality determined this as inevitable.  With your charming dispositions, brilliant minds, and of course stunning radiance, well, how could the boys not be everywhere?

You both took leadership roles and excelled in means that reflected your individualized abilities.  Both rose to the top and rated yourselves as young women who others desired to be around.  Your lives became a testament to the purity of your hearts, an acceptance of divine love reflected to those all around.  Can you tell yet that I’m proud of you both?

Our trips together now became staging grounds for deep discussions on the meaning of life.  Our chats developed into full length conversations detailing our deepest beliefs and hopes for the future.  I found our disagreements rewarding.  It’s in these times the full you is revealed.  The one who exists to not just to please a parent, but desires to be truely herself.  Individuality determines our success not our acceptance of the expected.  Both of you have shown me the mettle to fight for your rightful place in this crazy world we call home.  Something has gone right in your lives to make this an actuality.

So here we are, only a few shorts months away from graduation.  Dreams come alive and burst forth with opportunity.  Live your lives with imagination.  Live your lives with possibility.  Leave regret behind, focus on instilling the essence of now with every breath.  Unleash your visions for tomorrow and never accept someone else’s expectation for you.  Raleigh and Ashton, God has infused each of you with greatness.  It is your job now to spend the rest of your lives letting it out and sharing that gift with others and the world as a whole.

Thank you for giving me eighteen delightful, entertaining, challenging, and unforgettable years of your life.  As a father, I can say without hesitation, it’s been a blast and I wouldn’t change a single thing.  I love the ladies you both have become.

Seek excellence.  Seek truth in strange places.  Look for the good in all.  Believe in possibilities.  Dream real big.  Chase the impossible.  Find happiness in yourself.  Believe in miracles.  See the wholeness of God everywhere.  Be kind.  Let gentleness prevail.  Let no one step on your dreams.  Live your hopes and no one else’s.

There has never been a day when I didn’t offer up thanksgiving for you girls.  I prayed for you long before you came into my world and seek God’s best for you daily.  I take comfort in your faith, as it gives hope.  Never let your faith grow stagnant.  Keep faith alive by testing it to find its value.  Faith is an individual effort that no one can determine for you.  You and you alone make it meaningful.  Let you light continue to shine.

Ashton and Raleigh…Happy Birthday!  I love you and believe in each of you.   Go forth and fly!           

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Prayer IV…

February 12, 2009 at 9:45 pm (Uncategorized)

Prayer can either be the foundation of a belief system or the source of frustration that keeps us from true harmony with our creator.  De Mello pushes faith to places many find uncomfortable.  He makes prayer so simple compared to the teachings for many involving so many complexities.  These complexities seperate many from the loving embrace awaiting all of us.  Dr. De Mello takes questions and provides insightful response.

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