Fraud, Freak, Fool…

Just some of the many names I’ve provided myself not to mention many of the ones voiced by those I’ve disappointed in someway somehow.  My many imperfections are legion and growing rapidly each day.  As much as I desire to become honorable and I do totally desire this, I only seem to fall further away from such a goal.  If anyone were to share only few brief minutes inside my head witnessing the great struggle for control taking place maybe only then, could someone understand?  It’s certainly not for lack of effort.

My faith is central to my reason for living.  To grapple with the challenge of holiness only reveals my poor wrestling skills I’ve maintained since childhood. Fact is I’m a legendary quitter and have been so for a long time. I do try, I truly do desire to be faithful.  I want to be a consistent student of the faith, but something just keeps holding me back, I know that something is me.   God, if they only knew how much I desired to not think the way I do or to care about others or issues so passionately.  Life could be so much easier.

My family has to listen to me rant about injustice, problems of poverty, health care for all, inequality of the American way, greed, needed reforms in our economic system, freedom to love who you love, evils of war, blind loyalties to the political system, Neo-conservatism, and quality of life for all.  Please tell me why when I listen to discussions with well meaning souls all I can think about is the counter-point to the accepted train of thought.  My poor family, my kids, they’re afraid to talk about what they learned in school for fear it may lead down another one of daddy’s discourses of dismay.

Wouldn’t it be simpler to just agree with the masses?  To walk lockstep in military precision with other like minded soldiers saluting the general as we passed in formation to rid the masses of people like me.  See, there I go again.  I just can’t stop even if I wanted.

I really do desire to fit in with you people.  I genuinely do.  I would love to sit through a Sunday school class and not feel the need to challenge everyone for what the greater truth of the message may be saying versus the accepted and approved interpretation.  Damn, there I go again.  I would love to hear about small minded, overly opinionated prophets and walk away unaffected, but sadly, it just isn’t going to happen.

What about this filter thing so many are gifted with?  A filter to minimize the outflow of expression from the constant churning in the mind.  How does a guy get one of those?  Of course that may not be the answer either.  If my mind doesn’t spew it out and clear itself of these impurities then these thoughts just bounce around in crazy town getting nuttier by the moment.  I can assure you turbo-charged crazy is something none of us want to experience.

Funny, the only thing that keeps my bubble on the level is when I spent great lengths of time in meditation, and lots of it.  Maybe it’s time I get back to seeking my Zen and spend less time trying to fit in as a faithful follower.  God understands.

I hope.

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