Obedience

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If your pastor is demanding the congregation focus on obedience and leadership, hold on to your hat, you’re about to have any bit of common sense stolen from you, get a pair and fire you pastor.

Harry Potter…

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If your spiritual leader suggests children shouldn’t read Harry Potter for fear they may turn into witches, it’s time to fire your pastor.

Actually…

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If you hear “I’ll just take what the bible says as true” without acknowledging what that really means is “I’ll take what I think the bible says” as more important than what “you think the bible says.”  Your pastor has a messiah complex and needs to be fired.

Latte Salute

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If your pastor spends time talking about how the President’s “latte salute” isn’t befitting a leader, remind him he has a few others things going on presently and to give him a bit of a break from the non-stop criticism he garners.  Also remind your pastor that terms like jerk, idiot, and fool are not honoring of our commander in chief and as a pastor he should learn to voice his displeasure in a more gentle,caring, and respectful manner and offer some of that grace he so often mentions.  It’s obvious your pastor is too far gone down the partisan rabbit hole to meet the needs of a congregation, fire him and find a healthy alternative.

Just the way it is…

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When your pastor tells you something in an unkind way, but justifies it by saying “that’s just the way it is”or “I’m just being honest”, remind him that the vast majority of people who make such a claim come across as assholes.  Fire your pastor and get a new community to invest yourself into.

Debunk….

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If you heard a message Sunday morning on the fallacies of carbon dating being used to try and debunk science from a biblical worldview to prove a slanted perspective, it’s time to fire your pastor.

Bumper Sticker…

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If your car has more than two bumper stickers on it describing the advantages of your particular faith practice or the disadvantages of others who do not believe exactly as you do, accept that you don’t have the deep and personal relationship with Jesus you imagine but rather an addiction to promoting yourself to others.  Immediately fire your pastor and take a razor blade to your bumper.

Abortion…

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If you find yourself in a perpetual state of uproar over the issue of abortion, yet drive a BMW from your mini-mansion to an upscale church in the suburbs where you put your children in an exclusive private school, that anger you feel is the reality of avoiding what Jesus actually talked about; helping the poor, dangers of wealth, being stuffed deep down in your soul so you can focus on self serving interests like abortion.  The issue of abortion is but a great guilt relieving balm for the modern evangelical, it soothes a troubled soul searching for truth by creating an issue never addressed as important by the master, instead allows one to live a a sad lie by avoiding the responsible fiscal sacrifice taught clearly by Jesus of serving those with much less and focus on a paraded straw man.

Fire your pastor and read the bible for yourself and for goodness sake, don’t take what it said from the pulpit as the only truth.

Drink of death…

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If you feel you can divine another’s eternal destiny based upon their consumption of alcohol, while you drink copious amounts of coffee and cola each and every day, you might have a major judgment issue and a little problem with caffeine.  You should fire your pastor and soon learn the finer points of a good Chardonnay.  Your life will be changed for the better.

Partisan Faith…

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This coming from students at my daughters school.

If you believe that people can’t be good, pure, and active christians living out their faith each day unless they are also committed Republicans, you’ve lost your F’ing mind and need to not only fire your pastor who reenforces this inbred thinking but also throw your TV set that only plays one station out the window.

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