Signage…

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So after repeatedly seeing this gentleman and many others of the same ilk protesting homosexuals on our town square, I’ve come to a decision on how I’ll personally handle them going forward. Mind you, they trouble me greatly. Each time they surface, instead of counter protesting with clever witty signs or debating their extremely limited understanding of scripture in general, I’m planning a different tact. I intend to give each protester a slip of paper with the following information. “Congratulations, today in your honor a donation has been made to a LGBT charity. Thank you for your efforts making the world a more accepting and kind place to live. God Bless.” Imagine if this caught on with the masses and these sign spouters soon realized their efforts were being severely countered by helping those they dislike. Seems like a more tranquil method of dealing with something so disgusting, ugly, and cruel. Let’s start a trend!

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Football loving God…

After the Seahawks win Sunday the quarterback was interviewed after the game as is the trend.   He exuberantly shouted over and over how God gave his team the win.

Now there is bad theology and then there is really bad theology, I’m certain this statement falls in the later.

Truthfully, I suspect God could care less about who won a game of football.  At least I hope that’s the case.

Please come.

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If your pastor teaches the need to invite God into the presence of the service, remind him that he previously taught that God was omnipresent and the only reason God wouldn’t currently be present is because God purposely needed to get the heck out of your church before s/he blew a fuse.  Fire your pastor and enjoy God’s true presence.

Girl Scout Cookies

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If your pastor says with a straight face from the pulpit to not buy Girl Scout Cookies from the cute little munchkins in green because it will support abortion and lesbianism, ask yourself a question…Do I really allow myself to take life advise from such an flaming dolt?  Get up immediately from your seat and fire your pastor.

Church Porn…

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If your church is promoting the new “Left Behind” movie because of its “christian” importance, please know you’d be better off showing “The Omen” in the church basement if you want actual scriptural integrity. It’s really hard to imagine rejoicing over the prospect of many people suffering because they don’t act and believe exactly like you do.  But we all dream differently don’t we?  Some dream of peace while others dream of revenge.   Open your eyes and see church porn for what it is.  Fire your pastor and step outside and embrace life and all those who make up our wonderfully diverse world with love and acceptance.

Cool Country

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If your pastor rants about the evils of secular music and the horrible influence it has on today’s youth, yet hops in his car and turns on Waylon, Willie, and Johnny, It’s time to fire the hypocrite.

Divided Unity

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If your pastor continues to rant about the lack of unity among fellow believers and without taking a breath, uses divisive terms to denote others who practice a different faith, hopefully you can see the problem right before you…fire your pastor.

Just the way it is…

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When your pastor tells you something in an unkind way, but justifies it by saying “that’s just the way it is”or “I’m just being honest”, remind him that the vast majority of people who make such a claim come across as assholes.  Fire your pastor and get a new community to invest yourself into.

Beatings…

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If the message you hear on parenting in church involves unbridled beating of children justified by the antiquated passage of “spare the rod, spoil the child” so your children will understand the “love” of God, it’s time to fire your pastor and get your children to therapy.  Maybe the counselor will help the child learn that love shouldn’t involve fear.

Clarification

 

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The phrase “fire your pastor” doesn’t have to mean work aggressively to have him lose his job, more to the point it means, you leaving his teaching and getting healthy.

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