Blessing…

I get frustrated when I hear from the elect how God has blessed their finances, professions, families, and even sporting events.  If they truly believe what they say then the converse must be acknowledged as well.

Does God purposely crap on others so a select few can feel special?

 

Just thinking.

Girl Scout Cookies

Girls Selling Cookies with Wagon

If your pastor says with a straight face from the pulpit to not buy Girl Scout Cookies from the cute little munchkins in green because it will support abortion and lesbianism, ask yourself a question…Do I really allow myself to take life advise from such an flaming dolt?  Get up immediately from your seat and fire your pastor.

Church Porn…

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If your church is promoting the new “Left Behind” movie because of its “christian” importance, please know you’d be better off showing “The Omen” in the church basement if you want actual scriptural integrity. It’s really hard to imagine rejoicing over the prospect of many people suffering because they don’t act and believe exactly like you do.  But we all dream differently don’t we?  Some dream of peace while others dream of revenge.   Open your eyes and see church porn for what it is.  Fire your pastor and step outside and embrace life and all those who make up our wonderfully diverse world with love and acceptance.

Obedience

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If your pastor is demanding the congregation focus on obedience and leadership, hold on to your hat, you’re about to have any bit of common sense stolen from you, get a pair and fire you pastor.

Actually…

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If you hear “I’ll just take what the bible says as true” without acknowledging what that really means is “I’ll take what I think the bible says” as more important than what “you think the bible says.”  Your pastor has a messiah complex and needs to be fired.

Just the way it is…

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When your pastor tells you something in an unkind way, but justifies it by saying “that’s just the way it is”or “I’m just being honest”, remind him that the vast majority of people who make such a claim come across as assholes.  Fire your pastor and get a new community to invest yourself into.

Bumper Sticker…

Christian Car

If your car has more than two bumper stickers on it describing the advantages of your particular faith practice or the disadvantages of others who do not believe exactly as you do, accept that you don’t have the deep and personal relationship with Jesus you imagine but rather an addiction to promoting yourself to others.  Immediately fire your pastor and take a razor blade to your bumper.

Abortion…

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If you find yourself in a perpetual state of uproar over the issue of abortion, yet drive a BMW from your mini-mansion to an upscale church in the suburbs where you put your children in an exclusive private school, that anger you feel is the reality of avoiding what Jesus actually talked about; helping the poor, dangers of wealth, being stuffed deep down in your soul so you can focus on self serving interests like abortion.  The issue of abortion is but a great guilt relieving balm for the modern evangelical, it soothes a troubled soul searching for truth by creating an issue never addressed as important by the master, instead allows one to live a a sad lie by avoiding the responsible fiscal sacrifice taught clearly by Jesus of serving those with much less and focus on a paraded straw man.

Fire your pastor and read the bible for yourself and for goodness sake, don’t take what it said from the pulpit as the only truth.

Beatings…

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If the message you hear on parenting in church involves unbridled beating of children justified by the antiquated passage of “spare the rod, spoil the child” so your children will understand the “love” of God, it’s time to fire your pastor and get your children to therapy.  Maybe the counselor will help the child learn that love shouldn’t involve fear.

Motivation…

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If your motivation for doing good things for others is solely based on your fear of Hell and eternal damnation if you don’t, understand you’re a self-serving tool without a shred of decency; you need to quickly fire your misleading message giving pastor and relearn how to live as a real human being.

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