Cold…

I don’t know what this means but I certainly found this interesting.  During our recent unusual cold streak only two local churches (Episcopal and Presbyterian)  thought it important enough to open their buildings to aid those without heat and food.  All the evangelical churches simply felt this an unimportant consideration.  Maybe they were too busy planning their next pro-life and anti-gay demonstrations to notice the impact of the cold on those outside their doors.  Love is an action verb.  Talk is cheap.

Signage…

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So after repeatedly seeing this gentleman and many others of the same ilk protesting homosexuals on our town square, I’ve come to a decision on how I’ll personally handle them going forward. Mind you, they trouble me greatly. Each time they surface, instead of counter protesting with clever witty signs or debating their extremely limited understanding of scripture in general, I’m planning a different tact. I intend to give each protester a slip of paper with the following information. “Congratulations, today in your honor a donation has been made to a LGBT charity. Thank you for your efforts making the world a more accepting and kind place to live. God Bless.” Imagine if this caught on with the masses and these sign spouters soon realized their efforts were being severely countered by helping those they dislike. Seems like a more tranquil method of dealing with something so disgusting, ugly, and cruel. Let’s start a trend!

Straw Man…

Could todays evangelical church thrive without the need for a bad guy or group who’s out to get us?  Seriously, can the literalists survive on just the love message alone?  I doubt it.

Girl Scout Cookies

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If your pastor says with a straight face from the pulpit to not buy Girl Scout Cookies from the cute little munchkins in green because it will support abortion and lesbianism, ask yourself a question…Do I really allow myself to take life advise from such an flaming dolt?  Get up immediately from your seat and fire your pastor.

Church Porn…

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If your church is promoting the new “Left Behind” movie because of its “christian” importance, please know you’d be better off showing “The Omen” in the church basement if you want actual scriptural integrity. It’s really hard to imagine rejoicing over the prospect of many people suffering because they don’t act and believe exactly like you do.  But we all dream differently don’t we?  Some dream of peace while others dream of revenge.   Open your eyes and see church porn for what it is.  Fire your pastor and step outside and embrace life and all those who make up our wonderfully diverse world with love and acceptance.

Divided Unity

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If your pastor continues to rant about the lack of unity among fellow believers and without taking a breath, uses divisive terms to denote others who practice a different faith, hopefully you can see the problem right before you…fire your pastor.

Obedience

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If your pastor is demanding the congregation focus on obedience and leadership, hold on to your hat, you’re about to have any bit of common sense stolen from you, get a pair and fire you pastor.

Actually…

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If you hear “I’ll just take what the bible says as true” without acknowledging what that really means is “I’ll take what I think the bible says” as more important than what “you think the bible says.”  Your pastor has a messiah complex and needs to be fired.

Just the way it is…

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When your pastor tells you something in an unkind way, but justifies it by saying “that’s just the way it is”or “I’m just being honest”, remind him that the vast majority of people who make such a claim come across as assholes.  Fire your pastor and get a new community to invest yourself into.

Bumper Sticker…

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If your car has more than two bumper stickers on it describing the advantages of your particular faith practice or the disadvantages of others who do not believe exactly as you do, accept that you don’t have the deep and personal relationship with Jesus you imagine but rather an addiction to promoting yourself to others.  Immediately fire your pastor and take a razor blade to your bumper.

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