Signage…

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So after repeatedly seeing this gentleman and many others of the same ilk protesting homosexuals on our town square, I’ve come to a decision on how I’ll personally handle them going forward. Mind you, they trouble me greatly. Each time they surface, instead of counter protesting with clever witty signs or debating their extremely limited understanding of scripture in general, I’m planning a different tact. I intend to give each protester a slip of paper with the following information. “Congratulations, today in your honor a donation has been made to a LGBT charity. Thank you for your efforts making the world a more accepting and kind place to live. God Bless.” Imagine if this caught on with the masses and these sign spouters soon realized their efforts were being severely countered by helping those they dislike. Seems like a more tranquil method of dealing with something so disgusting, ugly, and cruel. Let’s start a trend!

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Church Porn…

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If your church is promoting the new “Left Behind” movie because of its “christian” importance, please know you’d be better off showing “The Omen” in the church basement if you want actual scriptural integrity. It’s really hard to imagine rejoicing over the prospect of many people suffering because they don’t act and believe exactly like you do.  But we all dream differently don’t we?  Some dream of peace while others dream of revenge.   Open your eyes and see church porn for what it is.  Fire your pastor and step outside and embrace life and all those who make up our wonderfully diverse world with love and acceptance.

Divided Unity

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If your pastor continues to rant about the lack of unity among fellow believers and without taking a breath, uses divisive terms to denote others who practice a different faith, hopefully you can see the problem right before you…fire your pastor.

Harry Potter…

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If your spiritual leader suggests children shouldn’t read Harry Potter for fear they may turn into witches, it’s time to fire your pastor.

Actually…

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If you hear “I’ll just take what the bible says as true” without acknowledging what that really means is “I’ll take what I think the bible says” as more important than what “you think the bible says.”  Your pastor has a messiah complex and needs to be fired.

Just the way it is…

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When your pastor tells you something in an unkind way, but justifies it by saying “that’s just the way it is”or “I’m just being honest”, remind him that the vast majority of people who make such a claim come across as assholes.  Fire your pastor and get a new community to invest yourself into.

Partisan Faith…

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This coming from students at my daughters school.

If you believe that people can’t be good, pure, and active christians living out their faith each day unless they are also committed Republicans, you’ve lost your F’ing mind and need to not only fire your pastor who reenforces this inbred thinking but also throw your TV set that only plays one station out the window.

Answerman….

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If you’re taught that every answer to every situation for every person regardless of their individual circumstances is clearly found in the bible, you’ve been fed a pack of lies…quickly fire your pastor and begin making amends to those you’ve harmed in the quest to enhance your ego offering unsolicited advice.

Beatings…

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If the message you hear on parenting in church involves unbridled beating of children justified by the antiquated passage of “spare the rod, spoil the child” so your children will understand the “love” of God, it’s time to fire your pastor and get your children to therapy.  Maybe the counselor will help the child learn that love shouldn’t involve fear.

Clarification

 

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The phrase “fire your pastor” doesn’t have to mean work aggressively to have him lose his job, more to the point it means, you leaving his teaching and getting healthy.

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